Best Dream Ever!

Oh. My. Goodness.!!! Last night I had the most amazing dream ever, and it is the most vivid and perfect dream I have ever had.

Ryder went to bed last night at 9 (extremely unusual!). Sam put him in bed, and I was so sleepy I took Reagan to bed with us because she was still not quite asleep. She snuggled up in her spot and went right to sleep in the middle of our bed and I wasn't far behind her.

Then the most amazing dream of my life began. We went to a hospital, which I'm sure was Kosair's, and the nurses handed me the most beautiful baby...an exact replica of Reagan...they handed me Reese. She looked idential to Reagan. I can see every inch of her beautiful face. At first she was sleeping. I held her and kissed her for a long time. Then our family showed up and we took turns holding her. Ryder got to hold her and meet his other sissy for the first time. And Reagan was ecstatic! After a while of visiting, I noticed that Reese was breathing. I asked the nurses "if she's breathing, and her heart is beating, why can't you make her stay?" They told me that it was only for a short time. Reese would be real for a day and then she would have to go again. There was nothing the Doctors could do to keep her here.

Transportation during my dream is the only thing that isn't clear...that and we never had to stop and eat, which made our day longer! :) We took Reese to a church, where there was the most beautiful ceremony about to take place...Sam & I were renewing our vows in a beautiful, romantic setting. The best part was all of our kids were there to be with us.

All of our family made two parallel lines up the aisle, and then Sam & I took Reagan and Reese up front with us. I'm not sure where Ryder was during this...he must have been outside playing in the mud :) LOL! When we got to the front of the church, Reese smiled at us and she and Reagan laughed together.

After the ceremony, we were finally alone with Reese. Our time together was drawing to a close, but we weren't upset. We cherished every moment. I asked someone to bring me matching outfits for the girls so we could take their picture together. Then the most amazing part of the dream happened...Reese looked at me! She had peeked at me earlier, but this time she opened both eyes and she gazed into mine. She smiled all over! It was the happiest moment of my life!

I'm not sure who was with me, but me and someone drove Reese back to the hospital. I told her I loved her and that I would see her again soon. She smiled at me once more, and then she went back to sleep. Whoever was with me carried Reese back into the hospital so she could go back to be with God.

The second that my dream ended, I woke up and reached for Reagan. She was already awake and was rolling toward me at the same time. She looked at me and smiled and she kissed me. We hugged and she snuggled on my chest and we both went back to sleep.

That dream set the pace for my day. I woke up in the best mood and so relieved that I got to see and hold Reese, if only in my dream. Any glimmer of doubt is gone and I know she is perfect and beautiful and looks just like her sister.

I feel like today starts a whole new beginning. Stress is minimal and nothing could get me down today. I have a renewed faith in God and I'm thankful that He is taking care of my angel until I get to hold her again.

Heavenly Father,
Thank you for that perfect dream. I know you lead my mind to it so that I would know Reese is safe in your arms. Please remind me every day that life on Earth is my temporary home and that the little things that often bog me down mean nothing in comparison to your glory. Please watch over my family, and continue to bring Reese into our lives, even if only in our dreams, so that we may remember to keep the faith that we will be with her and you in Heaven someday. I pray that other mothers of lost children will experience similar dreams and feel the peace I have this morning.
In your name I pray,
Amen

I love you Reesie-cup!

Formal Fundraiser

I have an idea, but I need your help! Since shortly after Reagan came home from Kosair's, I have been wanting to do a fundraiser. I am very determined to do this! Afterall, money provided by the Crusade for Children helped pay for the equipment that made Reagan get well so quickly (that, along with Angel power!). And I don't know what we would have done without the Ronald McDonald House. Don't get me wrong, I would have found some way to stay within walking distance of that hospital...but if it wasn't for RMHCK, I would owe a small mortgage to a downtown Louisville hotel!
So I'm thinking that since I can't decide on one charity, I will do a fundraiser and split the money 50/50 between the two.
My idea? Oh, yeah. I am planning on hosting a Formal Fundraiser. It will be a formal dinner/dance. Tickets will be sold for individuals or couples with discounts to people-of-service (military, fire, police, EMS). Within the formal, there will be other fundraisers: silent auction, live dessert auction, and maybe a raffle or two. I would like for a local restaurant to cater the event and to have a DJ for the dance.
Venue will be somewhere in Leitchfield...wherever I can get that wants to help raise money for two wonderful causes!
The date is the biggest dilemma I have run into, but I think I have the perfect one: February 25, 2012. Why? My due date for Reagan and Reese was February 23. The 25th is the Saturday following what should have been their birthday, and thus would have been the date for their 1st birthday party.
I know there will be a lot of dates that give me trouble: January 8 (when i went into labor thinking everything was fine), January 9 (the girls birthday), January 13 (the day we laid Reese to rest), January 23 (the day we came home from the hospital with only 1 baby), and i'm sure the 9th of every month when I should be telling two little girls "you're __ months old today!"
I know this fundraiser will be a huge undertaking, but it is something I have a true passion for. Partys are always fun, and who doesn't honestly enjoy the opportunity to dress up occasionally?! And to top it all off, we will be having a party to celebrate all the babies who made it home, all the babies who went to be with God too soon, all the parents who have had to deal with either/or both, and all the medical staff and charities who have helped care for all those precious babies!
Interested? Want to help? Would you attend? I'm excited to start planning this event, and I'm hoping my community will get behind me on this effort. I'm open to any and all feedback and suggestions......
Let the Party Planning Begin! :)

God bless.

Time Travel

I was looking through my pictures this afternoon and came across one I had to share....

This is a picture of what was supposed to be Reese's crib. The Precious Moments (tm) blanket was made by my Aunt Kimmie. I have it with Reagan's so that we will have an extra this winter (if she drags it around like Ryder did his, we'll need it!). The pink and yellow crocheted afghan was made by a family friend. She made Ryder a green & white one when he was born and Reagan has a purple & white one.

When I got the gift bag for the girls, this pink and yellow one was automatically my favorite! It was so different and gorgeous! And the blankets are oh-so-soft!

When I was planning Reese's funeral, I couldn't decide what to bury her in. I knew that clothes would just swallow her up, at a mere 3 lb. 14 oz. She was so tiny and precious. Of course, we had a closed casket service because I'm not sure if I could have stood having to physically tell her good bye again. As I was laying in the hospital the day after the girls were born, all by myself, I finally realized that I had the perfect garment to wrap that beautiful baby girl in. I called my sister and asked for my brother-in-law to get this pink and yellow afghan, with a heavenly white cross in the center, and take it to the funeral home.

My Reese Marie was laid to rest on Thursday, January 13...and while her spirit was already with God, her perfect little body was wrapped in the most beautiful blanket I will ever lay eyes on.

I couldn't help but share this picture with all of you. None of you got to see my perfect angel, but now you have a better ability to picture her, wrapped in these beautiful vibrant colors.

Thanks to my Reese, I no longer fear death. I know that every day I am getting closer to holding my angel again.

Mommy's-Day-Out

Not too much has been going on lately...or at least I've been too busy to ponder on much. But here's just a short, quick, exciting note....Saturday is MOMMY'S DAY OUT! :)

I love my kids. I love being a mom. I wish I could stay at home with them and never miss a minute. Realization: I need a break! The insanity of work (which is typically worse than Tammy's Playschool across town), the stress of STILL trying to move back into the farmhouse, no help with housework, and then not to mention the never-ending work that goes along with a horse training facility, family, and farm, I have had it! I need a vacation day!

So, after a good but stressful weekend, I messaged a friend that we should find babysitters this weekend and go do something together. No kids. No husbands. And maybe no cell phones. I lucked out this morning and my mother-in-law offered to come to Leitchfield to watch the kids so I could get a break. Cha-ching! Babysitter, check!

Plans are in the works and, eventhough it's a farsight from Daytona Beach, Rough River here I come! A day of lounging and pretending the world doesn't exist. How wonderful! And hopefully this relaxation and girl time will let me come home and appreciate everything I have a little more.

I am very lucky. I have a wonderful family that would do anything for me. But sometimes you have to tell that family to shut up and leave you the heck alone! But instead of that, I think I'll just run away for half a day....and I'll be so glad to get back to my babies that afternoon!

Emotional Wreck

Last Saturday started out as a wonderful day! I slept in (because both kids slept in!), we had breakfast and baths, and when Sam got home we went to my cousin's Little League games. After 2 glorious wins on the baseball field, Sam & I took the kids our friends' house for their son's 7th birthday party.

We played with our friends' kids for a while as we waited for everyone else to arrive. And shortly after, I went down hill...fast.

The friends whose house we were visiting have twin nieces that are 2 weeks younger than my girls. Shortly after I found out I was having twins, I heard about these girls. It was so exciting to ask how my friends sister was doing through her pregnancy. After what we went through, though, it was hard to keep asking once my girls were born. But, like a good friend, I did.

I always asked how the twins were doing. I think people were trying to be cautious around me and not mention them, but I cant' pretend that other babies don't exist just because I lost one.

At the party, the twins finally arrived. As embarassed as I am about how I acted, I tried to look away as they carried them in: matching carseats, coordinating dresses, beautiful headbands and bows that matched. Then I forced myself to look at these darlings. They look a lot alike. And the ultimate problem: they are the same size as Reagan. Someone brought one of the twins over to see Reagan. When that little girl sat next to mine, I started thinking that should be me. I should be overwhelmed by carrying two babies in. I should have to have help getting them out of their carseats and fixing bottles. I should also have to pick out different yet corresponding outfits to take my two girls to a party. I was so jealous. And overwhelmed at seeing Reagan beside a baby girl that is exactly her size. I pictured that little girl as Reese. And that killed me!

I tried to fight it, but there was no way. I looked away, trying to hide the tears that were already streaming down my face, and I excused myself outside. I brushed by the visitors on the porch and told Sam over my shoulder to get Ryder (because he had started crying and wanted to follow me down the steps). I quickly walked around the side of the house and cowered under the porch so that no one could see me. I was a mess.

Babies are such wonderful things. Miraculous creatures. And I was sobbing because I had just met two beautiful little girls. I was jealous, and then at the same time I was furious at myself for acting that way. Sam came downstairs to console me, not knowing what to say. I'm sure nobody else thought about the irony of seeing my baby with another little girl the same size. It's not something anyone should have to worry about.

I think its wonderful that we know someone else that has twins. I'm excited for Reagan to grow up and for me to meet her friends and for her to have sleepovers. But I also know that these feelings will never pass. I may always look at her friends and wonder "what if that was Reese."

Last Saturday was probably one of the hardest days I have had in a while. After a few minutes of hiding out and trying to dry my eyes, I had to rejoin the party. I still had the same feelings, but I eventually was able to play with the twins and put Reagan beside them. Maybe it wasn't so hard to see all three of them. Or maybe it was because Reese told me that she was there, too.

I know that my angel never had a bad day. She will never suffer any physical pains. She will never know the insanity of this world. But none of those realizations makes me miss her any less.

Dear God, please give me the strength to continue to see Reagan next to other babies and for me to find comfort in knowing that you are holding Reese and she is playing with every other baby Angel you have taken from this world. Amen.

Just In Time

Sam and I started dating August 30, 2005. Everything was going great! We were hanging out, learning about each other, and having a blast. In January 2006, Sam got a phone call from a friend Shane. He is also a horse trainer and lives in NC. Shane was having surgery on his neck and needed someone to help ride the horses and take care of the barn while he was down. 3-4 weeks tops. So, like any horse trainer will do for a buddy, Sam said yes with no hesitation. About a week later, Sam left at 5am and headed to Carolina. It absolutely killed me to watch his truck go down the road, but it was a great opportunity and I knew he had to help.

Sam and I talked everyday, but not as much as I would have liked. Sam went to the barn to start morning chores  around 5:30-6am and didn't get finished until 8 or 9 by the time he cleaned up, and when he got back to the house he was too tired to talk very much. I was in school, so I had plenty to occupy my time. Plus I was on the WKU livestock judging team, so we traveled a lot.

Three weeks passed and no word of when Sam was coming home. Four weeks. Five. I was starting to get a little aggravated. I knew Shane was going to the barn again, and knowing him he wasn't 100% following his orders not to ride yet! So why wouldn't Sam come home?

We still talked a lot, and there was no doubt that I was in love with him, but I was SO over having a relationship with my telephone. I was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to come back and if it was really worth the wait. He would always tell me that we had our entire lives to spend together and he would ask if I would marry him. I understood his point of view, and I usually said yes to the marriage question. But I wasn't sure he was serious. Sam was hardly ever serious about anything other than horses!

Finally I got a few days off school and drove to NC to visit. I left bright and early on February 15. The drive took forever. I was so excited to finally be seeing Sam again and to see where we were going. When he came out to the car to hug me, it was by far the best hug I had gotten in a while! The second night I was there, we decided to go out for a nice dinner.

Sam's phone rang just as we started to get ready. I got frustrated waiting on him, so I went ahead and started cleaning up. FINALLY, he got off the phone. He walked up to me and said "well, you said you'd marry me so I guess you'll need one of these." And he put the most beautiful ring I have ever seen on the 3rd finger of my left hand! I was completely shocked! No way did he just propose. Seriously? I kept saying yes. yes yes yes! I called my two best friends at the same time to tell them the news and the planning and excitement began! The next day at the barn, Shane and Cindy kept hinting around and trying to peak at my hand (but with gloves in a cool Carolina February, that was a little difficult!) I finally told them so they'd quit wondering if he had done it yet! I think they were as excited as we were. <Shane and Cindy are like family, even though I've only seen them 3 or 4 times. We would all do anything for each other...maybe more so than we would for our own relatives.>

What a surprise my visit to NC turned out to be! I had tried to surprise Sam with the trip, but I've never been able to surprise him with anything! He ususally even guesses his Christmas presents and I let him open them early.

That weekend trip changed my life forever. It was the beginning of my becoming Mrs. Sam Coffey! And to think I was contemplating if we should keep dating or not! Every day since the proposal has definitely NOT been smooth sailing, but I am forever grateful that I made that trip. Sam tells me that he knew he was going to marry me soon after we started dating in the fall of 2005. I guess he knew best about going to Shane's. That opportunity for him has made him a better trainer and a better man. He learned so much while he was there.

And finally, 7 weeks after he left, he finally came HOME! He surprised me with that....he called and asked where I was. I was at the WKU expo center, as usual! I asked where he was at...he was on I-65 in Bowling Green! :)

So, that's our proposal. He asked me to marry him...Just in Time!

The Beginning

Ahh...the GOOD!

When I was starting my Senior year in high school, I transferred to Grayson County. It was closer to my home and I had several opportunities presented by transferring, so I did. I was a very active member in FFA. I loved everything about it. Especially the competitions. Parliamentary Procedure was my favorite event, and I promptly joined the team at GCHS. During practices, all I ever heard about was Sam Coffey. Everyoned talked about him. They even had pictures of him in the classroom locker. Sounded like a fun guy, but I didn't know him and didn't expect to. He graduated the year before. Evidently, the guys in my class started talking about the "new girl"...and they were all friends with Sam. So, one of my friends gave Sam my number and he started calling. I was always busy at home, so we never dated. I'd make up some excuse why I couldn't go out and he'd go a few weeks before he called again.

In the fall of 2004, I started at Western Kentucky University. Sam had called here-and-there through the summer, still with no luck of getting a date. Then, he finally tracked me down at the state fair. He had called me to see where I was stalled with my livestock, and he found me. We sat and talked for HOURS. There was an instant connection. After he left, he called me several times and he continued to for the entire week.

Sam and I made plans for him to come to Bowling Green for dinner at my apartment the Sunday after the state fair. I rushed to get my things packed and back to school that Sunday afternoon to get ready and cook dinner. Sam arrived on time (and that may be the last time he was on time for anything with me!). He & I had dinner with my roommate and her boyfriend (so they could size him up!) and we all watched movies. Sam had a lot of work to do the following day, but we all kept talking and telling stories. Finally around 2am we started towards the door for him to leave. We stood on the porch and continued to talk....for 2 more hours! But of course, I didn't invite him to just stay. He made the hour-drive home at 4am and had to get up to ride horses at 6.

Sam and I talked constantly for the next few days. He came back to BG the next weekend for a horse show and we decided that there was no denying it...we were dating!

All those months I spent avoiding going out with him I could have been spending time with an amazing person! We had so much in common and we just enjoyed talking. Since I was a farm girl, I understood and enjoyed hearing about his day in the barn...and he loved that!

Since then, we have spent every minute possible together. And we have made a lot of wonderful memories......