Emotional Wreck

Last Saturday started out as a wonderful day! I slept in (because both kids slept in!), we had breakfast and baths, and when Sam got home we went to my cousin's Little League games. After 2 glorious wins on the baseball field, Sam & I took the kids our friends' house for their son's 7th birthday party.

We played with our friends' kids for a while as we waited for everyone else to arrive. And shortly after, I went down hill...fast.

The friends whose house we were visiting have twin nieces that are 2 weeks younger than my girls. Shortly after I found out I was having twins, I heard about these girls. It was so exciting to ask how my friends sister was doing through her pregnancy. After what we went through, though, it was hard to keep asking once my girls were born. But, like a good friend, I did.

I always asked how the twins were doing. I think people were trying to be cautious around me and not mention them, but I cant' pretend that other babies don't exist just because I lost one.

At the party, the twins finally arrived. As embarassed as I am about how I acted, I tried to look away as they carried them in: matching carseats, coordinating dresses, beautiful headbands and bows that matched. Then I forced myself to look at these darlings. They look a lot alike. And the ultimate problem: they are the same size as Reagan. Someone brought one of the twins over to see Reagan. When that little girl sat next to mine, I started thinking that should be me. I should be overwhelmed by carrying two babies in. I should have to have help getting them out of their carseats and fixing bottles. I should also have to pick out different yet corresponding outfits to take my two girls to a party. I was so jealous. And overwhelmed at seeing Reagan beside a baby girl that is exactly her size. I pictured that little girl as Reese. And that killed me!

I tried to fight it, but there was no way. I looked away, trying to hide the tears that were already streaming down my face, and I excused myself outside. I brushed by the visitors on the porch and told Sam over my shoulder to get Ryder (because he had started crying and wanted to follow me down the steps). I quickly walked around the side of the house and cowered under the porch so that no one could see me. I was a mess.

Babies are such wonderful things. Miraculous creatures. And I was sobbing because I had just met two beautiful little girls. I was jealous, and then at the same time I was furious at myself for acting that way. Sam came downstairs to console me, not knowing what to say. I'm sure nobody else thought about the irony of seeing my baby with another little girl the same size. It's not something anyone should have to worry about.

I think its wonderful that we know someone else that has twins. I'm excited for Reagan to grow up and for me to meet her friends and for her to have sleepovers. But I also know that these feelings will never pass. I may always look at her friends and wonder "what if that was Reese."

Last Saturday was probably one of the hardest days I have had in a while. After a few minutes of hiding out and trying to dry my eyes, I had to rejoin the party. I still had the same feelings, but I eventually was able to play with the twins and put Reagan beside them. Maybe it wasn't so hard to see all three of them. Or maybe it was because Reese told me that she was there, too.

I know that my angel never had a bad day. She will never suffer any physical pains. She will never know the insanity of this world. But none of those realizations makes me miss her any less.

Dear God, please give me the strength to continue to see Reagan next to other babies and for me to find comfort in knowing that you are holding Reese and she is playing with every other baby Angel you have taken from this world. Amen.

Just In Time

Sam and I started dating August 30, 2005. Everything was going great! We were hanging out, learning about each other, and having a blast. In January 2006, Sam got a phone call from a friend Shane. He is also a horse trainer and lives in NC. Shane was having surgery on his neck and needed someone to help ride the horses and take care of the barn while he was down. 3-4 weeks tops. So, like any horse trainer will do for a buddy, Sam said yes with no hesitation. About a week later, Sam left at 5am and headed to Carolina. It absolutely killed me to watch his truck go down the road, but it was a great opportunity and I knew he had to help.

Sam and I talked everyday, but not as much as I would have liked. Sam went to the barn to start morning chores  around 5:30-6am and didn't get finished until 8 or 9 by the time he cleaned up, and when he got back to the house he was too tired to talk very much. I was in school, so I had plenty to occupy my time. Plus I was on the WKU livestock judging team, so we traveled a lot.

Three weeks passed and no word of when Sam was coming home. Four weeks. Five. I was starting to get a little aggravated. I knew Shane was going to the barn again, and knowing him he wasn't 100% following his orders not to ride yet! So why wouldn't Sam come home?

We still talked a lot, and there was no doubt that I was in love with him, but I was SO over having a relationship with my telephone. I was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to come back and if it was really worth the wait. He would always tell me that we had our entire lives to spend together and he would ask if I would marry him. I understood his point of view, and I usually said yes to the marriage question. But I wasn't sure he was serious. Sam was hardly ever serious about anything other than horses!

Finally I got a few days off school and drove to NC to visit. I left bright and early on February 15. The drive took forever. I was so excited to finally be seeing Sam again and to see where we were going. When he came out to the car to hug me, it was by far the best hug I had gotten in a while! The second night I was there, we decided to go out for a nice dinner.

Sam's phone rang just as we started to get ready. I got frustrated waiting on him, so I went ahead and started cleaning up. FINALLY, he got off the phone. He walked up to me and said "well, you said you'd marry me so I guess you'll need one of these." And he put the most beautiful ring I have ever seen on the 3rd finger of my left hand! I was completely shocked! No way did he just propose. Seriously? I kept saying yes. yes yes yes! I called my two best friends at the same time to tell them the news and the planning and excitement began! The next day at the barn, Shane and Cindy kept hinting around and trying to peak at my hand (but with gloves in a cool Carolina February, that was a little difficult!) I finally told them so they'd quit wondering if he had done it yet! I think they were as excited as we were. <Shane and Cindy are like family, even though I've only seen them 3 or 4 times. We would all do anything for each other...maybe more so than we would for our own relatives.>

What a surprise my visit to NC turned out to be! I had tried to surprise Sam with the trip, but I've never been able to surprise him with anything! He ususally even guesses his Christmas presents and I let him open them early.

That weekend trip changed my life forever. It was the beginning of my becoming Mrs. Sam Coffey! And to think I was contemplating if we should keep dating or not! Every day since the proposal has definitely NOT been smooth sailing, but I am forever grateful that I made that trip. Sam tells me that he knew he was going to marry me soon after we started dating in the fall of 2005. I guess he knew best about going to Shane's. That opportunity for him has made him a better trainer and a better man. He learned so much while he was there.

And finally, 7 weeks after he left, he finally came HOME! He surprised me with that....he called and asked where I was. I was at the WKU expo center, as usual! I asked where he was at...he was on I-65 in Bowling Green! :)

So, that's our proposal. He asked me to marry him...Just in Time!

The Beginning

Ahh...the GOOD!

When I was starting my Senior year in high school, I transferred to Grayson County. It was closer to my home and I had several opportunities presented by transferring, so I did. I was a very active member in FFA. I loved everything about it. Especially the competitions. Parliamentary Procedure was my favorite event, and I promptly joined the team at GCHS. During practices, all I ever heard about was Sam Coffey. Everyoned talked about him. They even had pictures of him in the classroom locker. Sounded like a fun guy, but I didn't know him and didn't expect to. He graduated the year before. Evidently, the guys in my class started talking about the "new girl"...and they were all friends with Sam. So, one of my friends gave Sam my number and he started calling. I was always busy at home, so we never dated. I'd make up some excuse why I couldn't go out and he'd go a few weeks before he called again.

In the fall of 2004, I started at Western Kentucky University. Sam had called here-and-there through the summer, still with no luck of getting a date. Then, he finally tracked me down at the state fair. He had called me to see where I was stalled with my livestock, and he found me. We sat and talked for HOURS. There was an instant connection. After he left, he called me several times and he continued to for the entire week.

Sam and I made plans for him to come to Bowling Green for dinner at my apartment the Sunday after the state fair. I rushed to get my things packed and back to school that Sunday afternoon to get ready and cook dinner. Sam arrived on time (and that may be the last time he was on time for anything with me!). He & I had dinner with my roommate and her boyfriend (so they could size him up!) and we all watched movies. Sam had a lot of work to do the following day, but we all kept talking and telling stories. Finally around 2am we started towards the door for him to leave. We stood on the porch and continued to talk....for 2 more hours! But of course, I didn't invite him to just stay. He made the hour-drive home at 4am and had to get up to ride horses at 6.

Sam and I talked constantly for the next few days. He came back to BG the next weekend for a horse show and we decided that there was no denying it...we were dating!

All those months I spent avoiding going out with him I could have been spending time with an amazing person! We had so much in common and we just enjoyed talking. Since I was a farm girl, I understood and enjoyed hearing about his day in the barn...and he loved that!

Since then, we have spent every minute possible together. And we have made a lot of wonderful memories......

Finalized. It's Real.

You'll notice on the left side of my blog a picture of a bench. This is the most precious bench in the world...it is the monument that marks the final resting spot of my baby, Reese Marie Coffey.

Skipping several blogs full of information....Reese was stillborn at 12:38am on January 9.

We laid Reese to rest on a Thursday. On January 13, I gave the sweetest kiss I will ever give as Sam, Ryder, and I kissed the side of the most beautiful, tiniest casket I have ever seen.

Soon after Reagan came home from the hospital, people started asking about a monument for Reese. I had thought about it, but had no idea where to start or how I would afford it. But somehow, I knew I would get it taken care of because the most beautiful angel that has ever gone to be with God deserved it.

Finally, on my 4 year wedding anniversary (June 9), I went to the monument company. With the help of my husband's grandmother and my wonderful coworkers, we ordered the beautiful bench that you see on my page. We went on a mini vacation the next day. 1 week later when I visited the cemetery, much to my surprise I found that the monument had been set. I wasn't expecting to see it for several more weeks, so I was so excited and happy.....at first. I took pictures and shared the news with family.

Then, later in the day, it hit me. The final step of my daughter being buried was over. I could have tried to convince myself that someone else was buried in that small plot that I visited. But now it's written in stone. There is a beautiful granite bench that has MY daughter's name on it. It has her birthdate on it. It has her parents and siblings on it. That's definitely my baby. My Reese Marie.

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. There's no denying it now. I am the mother of an angel. And while it pains me to think about it and I cry nearly every day, I have to make myself be happy that there is a bench for her brother and sister to sit on while they have chats about things that only siblings understand...and perhaps things only angels can take care of. I have to be happy that there is a bench that I can go lay on during my lunch break or after work when I'm having a bad day and hope that closeness to my Angel will make me feel better.

While I know all these wonderful things are true, I can't be 100% happy about it. Nobody should have to bury a baby. Nobody should have to buy their kids monument. Nobody should have to change the flowers on their childs grave. But I have to do all of that. It's my life.

Now you know the end of the story....but you are far from knowing the rest.

God bless!

My First Day on the Job

I'm sure blogging won't be like a job, but i thought it was an appropriate title for the first day! I have been saying I'm going to write a book about what life has thrown at me, but that takes time...and time is something I don't have a lot of just lying around extra right now. So, as an inspiration from my friend Karah http://armywifeofitwins.blogspot.com/, I have started a blog. Here's your warning...this material may be graphic. Not graphic to the eyes...graphic to your emotions. My emotions are on a constant roller coaster, and probably will be for the rest of my life, but we'll get to the reasoning behind all that a little later.
I hope you find some meaning in my blog. I am excited to get these feelings out!

God bless all babies...those in Heaven and those on Earth!