Emotional Wreck

Last Saturday started out as a wonderful day! I slept in (because both kids slept in!), we had breakfast and baths, and when Sam got home we went to my cousin's Little League games. After 2 glorious wins on the baseball field, Sam & I took the kids our friends' house for their son's 7th birthday party.

We played with our friends' kids for a while as we waited for everyone else to arrive. And shortly after, I went down hill...fast.

The friends whose house we were visiting have twin nieces that are 2 weeks younger than my girls. Shortly after I found out I was having twins, I heard about these girls. It was so exciting to ask how my friends sister was doing through her pregnancy. After what we went through, though, it was hard to keep asking once my girls were born. But, like a good friend, I did.

I always asked how the twins were doing. I think people were trying to be cautious around me and not mention them, but I cant' pretend that other babies don't exist just because I lost one.

At the party, the twins finally arrived. As embarassed as I am about how I acted, I tried to look away as they carried them in: matching carseats, coordinating dresses, beautiful headbands and bows that matched. Then I forced myself to look at these darlings. They look a lot alike. And the ultimate problem: they are the same size as Reagan. Someone brought one of the twins over to see Reagan. When that little girl sat next to mine, I started thinking that should be me. I should be overwhelmed by carrying two babies in. I should have to have help getting them out of their carseats and fixing bottles. I should also have to pick out different yet corresponding outfits to take my two girls to a party. I was so jealous. And overwhelmed at seeing Reagan beside a baby girl that is exactly her size. I pictured that little girl as Reese. And that killed me!

I tried to fight it, but there was no way. I looked away, trying to hide the tears that were already streaming down my face, and I excused myself outside. I brushed by the visitors on the porch and told Sam over my shoulder to get Ryder (because he had started crying and wanted to follow me down the steps). I quickly walked around the side of the house and cowered under the porch so that no one could see me. I was a mess.

Babies are such wonderful things. Miraculous creatures. And I was sobbing because I had just met two beautiful little girls. I was jealous, and then at the same time I was furious at myself for acting that way. Sam came downstairs to console me, not knowing what to say. I'm sure nobody else thought about the irony of seeing my baby with another little girl the same size. It's not something anyone should have to worry about.

I think its wonderful that we know someone else that has twins. I'm excited for Reagan to grow up and for me to meet her friends and for her to have sleepovers. But I also know that these feelings will never pass. I may always look at her friends and wonder "what if that was Reese."

Last Saturday was probably one of the hardest days I have had in a while. After a few minutes of hiding out and trying to dry my eyes, I had to rejoin the party. I still had the same feelings, but I eventually was able to play with the twins and put Reagan beside them. Maybe it wasn't so hard to see all three of them. Or maybe it was because Reese told me that she was there, too.

I know that my angel never had a bad day. She will never suffer any physical pains. She will never know the insanity of this world. But none of those realizations makes me miss her any less.

Dear God, please give me the strength to continue to see Reagan next to other babies and for me to find comfort in knowing that you are holding Reese and she is playing with every other baby Angel you have taken from this world. Amen.